I'm so exhausted. A pathetic girl in her twenties unable to get a job, stuck living with her parents. Like everyone I dreamt of the future. A house that I Wanted, my plans to get there, et cetera. But the longer I stay here, the less desire I have to continue.
Perhaps I am autistic. I was not diagnosed, but the screeners I took suggested some autistic traits, high traits of ADHD, and C-PTSD. I don't know if it's true or not, but I felt some form of relief seeing them. Not like anyone believes me though. I still have four days to get a job or earn $50 or find some form of income. No one is hiring me. I have one year to get out, and still, I have no income.
It's because I'm fialing on purpose, right? That's what I was told. I KNEW I could be hired, so I purposely fail for some reason I can't fathom. They know I've gushed aabout my dream home, what I want to do. Yet they ignored it...? I don't understand. I mean, I suppose it is my fault in reality...yet somehow, me saying that is making them look bad? I don't understand. I understand nothing. I truly don't understand a thing. I only know now that I despise humans. I despise the world. Am I even really qualified to be called 'human'?
I am one without friends. I never had friends. Unless friends truly are those who use you, then I suppose I did, but from television and books, that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm now questioning my idea of normal. I was never allowed to go to friend's houses as a child. Never attend parties, never 'hang out'. I thought that stuff was all fake. And yet...is it really a requirment in learning how to socialize? Growing up, I felt like I was far behind my peers. My grades were all As—excluding math—but socially, I felt like I was stunted. And now, even more so. I become paralyzed, I blackout, I dissciate under stress. Yet, I was alwayss told I was overreacting, dramatic, just needed to 'push through it'. And now I'm here. Struggling to find anyone to take me. Struggling to find any place I can function in without having another mental breakdown, another moment of intense fear with the full awareness that I may hurt myself or others...but it doesn't matter. I just need SOMEWHERE. It doesn't matter how it hurts.
I need it in four days.
Notes
- Four days left